One Word 2016: Trust the Process

It's the 23rd of January on a long snowy weekend, and I'm determined to finish my annual one word resolution post, which ideally should have been done the first week of the new year.  Punctuality went out the window when I had kids, people, but I'm still trying.  This is a practice I began in 2011 to promote "growth with simplicity," previous word choices here.  In practice, this one word should drive my thoughts and actions and focus throughout the year.  So here goes…

In thinking of what I'd like to focus on this year, the list is overwhelming.  Better health and fitness.  Getting out of debt (for the love of all the heart surgery bills).  Raising my children with greater intentionality.  Cultivating a deeper relationship with God in my quiet time and prayer.  Persuing next steps in professional growth.  I make my own self tired with all these lofty goals.

Big goals.  I'm really good at big goals and dreams.  I'm even pretty good at trusting my own abilities and working hard enough to achieve the outcomes I want.  When I want something, I can totally bring out the laser-like focus in an effort to will my chosen outcome to happen.  My husband really loves this about me, and this quality never, ever gets on his nerves.  (Read: sarcasm).

But, this past year has been so much bigger than me.  I've found myself in powerless places where no amount of research, or effort, or action would affect the outcome.  My big dreams and personal will were uncomfortably challenged, and it has caused a new way of thinking to take root.

So, here it is, my one-word for 2016 is not actually a word this time, but a phrase:  trust the process

Trusting the process implies not attaching myself to the outcomes, but rather small actions steps that can be done on a day-to-day basis.  How freeing this mindset can be to someone (like me) who has been consumed with anxiety over controlling my desired results.

"Trust the process" means knowing that some parts of the process are cleaner than others, but each part serves a purpose.  Whether or not I ever reach my goal weight on the scale again becomes less important than making the healthiest choices I can in the day I am in.  The results will come if I stick to plan.  Whether or not those I love defeat the cancer raging inside them becomes less important than daily lifting them up in prayer and letting God be God.  One way or another, the healing will come.  Whether I get out of debt in this calendar year becomes less important than chipping away at those bills one monthly payment at a time.  Sooner or later, that $0 balance will come.  Just keep going.

And, I'm even trusting the messy parts as a valuable piece of the journey.  No one has a "get out of jail free" card.  We all have scars and wounds, and no one has it all together, despite how it may seem on Facebook.  I wouldn't wish my trials on anyone, but I've learned so much about the character and faithfulness of God from them.  I've seen firsthand how powerful the kindness of others can be, how blessings really can come from ashes.  God never promised us this life would be easy, but He did say over and over we can trust in Him.  Trust the process.  

Heart Surgery Day

Our day began at 3:15 a.m., although, who are we kidding, it's not like we were sleeping much anyway.  Michael had to report to hospital admissions by 5:30 am.  We made it right on time, he signed in, got a pager, and ten minutes later someone was there with a wheelchair to pick him up.  I followed the nurse who was pushing Michael in a chair about 10 steps down the hallway before she paused, turned, and said, "This is where you two kiss goodbye…"

Um, wow.  A bit sudden and anti-climactic for sending my husband off to open-heart surgery, right?!  Couldn't I sit with him a while before hand?  Hold his hand through some of the prep work?  Yeah, no.   It was more like, "Peace out, see you on the flip side, bud." I didn't even get a pre-op selfie.

I didn't expect that one and Malinda wasn't planning to be here to sit with me until 8:00.  Awesome.  And about that time, in walks the angel disguised as my dad.  Unexpectedly, he arrived right as I had seated myself in the waiting room, alone.  Company for the next two hours while we wait for the surgery to begin, yes please.

Frequent updates came from the operating room to my hospital issued fancy phone, and by 11:15, the surgeon was asking to meet with me in a private room.  It was over.  The surgery went faster than expected.  The repairs needed to fix the anuerism were less complicated than expected.  And they were able to successfully replace his heart valve with an Onyx mechanical valve, the biggest one, just like Michael wanted.  He is now officially…the bionic man.

It would be 9 more hours until I would get to see him awake.  He had a very hard time coming out of anesthesia.  I called up a few times wondering what in the world was taking so long in recovery, and they would report he was "behaving wildly" every time they tried to reduce sedation and they would have to sedate again to keep him safe.  Anyone surprised by this one?  Not me.

We made every attempt to get him comfortable for the evening and maybe even sleep, but everyone knows there is little rest for those in the ICU.  His pain is great.  His arms are extremely sore (mostly from being tied behind his head for a lengthy surgery.  Each breath hurts his newly mended sternum.  But, we have praised God all through the evening and night for such great outcomes and for perfectly orchestrating this day.  Thank you to everyone who prayed, called, texted, sent meals, and loved on our babies while we are here.  We are blessed indeed to be surrounded by so many who love us and a God who is so very faithful.

I'll leave you with a cardiac ICU cameo of my brave soldier.  

So, this is what the downhill slope looks like...

Back Into Battle…Again

In the Bible, the nation of Israel experienced a period of great revival under the leadership of the prophet Samuel.  Yet, during this great time of renewal, the nation was attacked by the Philistines who were intent on ruining the people of Israel.  The Lord had another plan and sent them supernatural help to defeat the Philistines.  To honor their victory, Samuel took a stone and named it Ebenezer (meaning stone of help) and set it on the battlefield, saying "Thus far the LORD has helped us."  

The people of Israel needed a tangible reminder of God's faithfulness just as much as we do today.  But, this time, the ebenezer from this battle won't be a stone, it'll be a scar.  In three short weeks on November 18th, my trophy husband will have open heart surgery to fix his heart.  He will receive a mechanical heart valve and an artificial sleeve to repair his aortic aneurism.  The surgery is long, and the recovery time is a nice little 12-14 week span of time.  And, as an added bonus, he will receive a fancy scar - right down the middle of his chest.  A visual reminder of the day God met us in that hospital operating room and helped us through yet another battle.  

My response to impending battle:  Of the sinners, I am chief when it comes to taking on the weight of the world and feeling like I can be strong enough, knowledgeable enough, religious enough to earn the outcomes I desire.  Bless, I just know God gets a kick out of me spinning my wheels down here trying to earn my way into heaven.  Sometimes I think I can hear him say, "Are you done yet?" Can I get an AMEN from all the type "A"s our there?!  But now, especially when it comes to all this heart drama, I believe the Lord had brought me to the end of myself.  I'm over all the spinning and fighting and worrying.  Like my pastor says, "On my best day, I can't even heal a gnat's wing…but my God can!"  So, I move forward with a new mantra through the end (hopefully) of this heart journey:

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
-Casting Crowns

It's true.  When I look back, HE has been so faithful, so dependable, so tried and true time and time again.  When I've been overcome with worry or thought my world was falling apart, he used it all for good.  He hasn't left us alone before and he won't start now. I'll let Him fight the battle.  Come what may, HE is control, and HE is still good.  So, bring on that new ebenezer.  I kinda dig scars anyway. 

Hiatus to Heart Walk

Ok, fine.  So I've taken a four month hiatus from blogging.  Life happened.  Lots of life happened. And now I'm back and attempting to write about it again.  Find grace.

To fill you in would go something like this:

• summer started
• became family of 6 for three fun months
• first family of six vacation, success!
• put house on market, sold in 6 days
• several fun summer play dates and pool visits
• Another birthday for me.  I got a selfie stick.
• heaven gained the sweetest of angels in my Grandmom
• became "homeless" for 2 weeks, God provided in the form of generous friends
• school started back
• kids started new pre-school (and love it)
• moved into new home (first weekend of school)
• Trophy Husband accepted a new job
• unpacking, sorting, building, sewing stuff when we aren't working (ha!)

And, here we are!  Barrel of monkeys, huh!  Pictures coming soon of all the fun projects we've completed around the house.  Long story short, we love it.  We really do.

Anyway, as if the B-team doesn't have enough of our plates right now, we are planning our first family walk this weekend at the American Heart Association walk in Murfreesboro.  We have a whole new appreciation for the organization that has helped us live smarter as a "heart" family.  We have purchased the cookbooks, scoured the websites, and gain so much knowledge about what it means to live with heart disease since the ol' TH's heart attack in January.  Our journey is far from finished as we close in on Michael's open heart surgery date to fix the CHD and anuerism his heart attack revealed, but we are confident that God has a happy ending for us in store.  Until then, we walk.  We walk for a cure for heart disease.  We walk for healthy, low-sodium diets.  We walk for active lifestyles.  We walk because he promised me he'd live to be 105, and I'm holding him to it.  

Can you join us?  If you are local and looking for something to do Saturday morning, click on our Heartwalk page to get all the details and/or join our team, Team Trophy Husband.  If you can't join us, please consider donating to this worthy cause which also can be done through our team page. Thank you for your support, and we hope to see many familiar faces this Saturday! 

Random Summer Fun

Uncle Drew turns 50!!!!

Memorial Day weekend visit with the Drivers - plus Olivia too

VIP pool access - first ones here = pool to ourselves

Dad's perfecting his pancake making skills.

Duck pond summer tradition

This summer, Sam and Lucy had a "secret summer friend" who would drop off prizes for them on our doorstep.  The chalk paint, giant bubbles and spray chalk were our favorites!

Dress up with the littles

Haircuts at Yoe's for the Mersings - so handsome.

Lucy's first stitches

two stitches in her index finger after a random cut on something at the pool.  We never did figure out what.  She was a real trooper, too.  A few screams of "Oh my goodness, that hurts me" when the lidocane shots went in, and she was good.  She earned those popsicles.

Cup stacking on the kitchen table

Family trip to Texas de Brazil - our favorite!

This was Sam's first time going with us, and he did great!  He probably ate his weight in sushi from the salad bar.  

My gingers with Wendy at library story hour.

Sam's first trip with the bigs to Six Flags.  He came back on cloud nine rattling on and on about how many times he rode the mind bender and the scream machine.  I think he'll be an adrenaline junky like his daddy.

Picnic with Grammy

We are soaking up all the time we have with Grammy here at CedarRock.  The kids took her a "birthday cake" to celebrate her eternal life-changing decision, and soon after we planned a playground picnic where she hung with whatever we were doing.  Swinging, practicing our selfie poses, lunch on a picnic blanket (surrounded by hundreds of harmless, but scary looking bugs), she's pretty cool, our Grammy.

Beach Trip

Our first family-of-six vacation

Panama City Beach, Florida

June 2015

Straight from the van to the water, the looks on these two faces when they saw the ocean in real life for the first time was priceless.  Neither of them were scared at all.  They both went right in the water with the rest of us.

Hunting for ghost crabs at night was one of my favorite things to do as a kid when we went on beach vacations.  It was pretty great to introduce that tradition to my own kiddos, although those ghost crabs have grown much bigger than the ones I remember.  

Somehow we lucked up with the penthouse suite (23rd floor, for the love of skyscrapers) which was the nicest place!  It even had these bunk beds for the littles stashed in the dining room closet.  So fun!

Who knew the beaches at the state park were the place to be!?  After a tip from the locals, we loaded up and changed beach scenery for a day, and it turned out to be a great idea…until the rainstorm came.

I wish I had words to describe the relationship with this girl and her dad.  It's really something.

Snorkeling for sea urchins

In the rock quarry lived a family of raccoons. Everyone was feeding them and getting pictures made with them.  I guess I lost my mother mind when I let me kids do this too.  But, never fear, all the sweet "mommas" in my life, including my own, reminded me how dangerous this was and that I should never do this again.  Check.  And, they are right.

Family Photo 2015

My little ghost crab hunter chose to spend his beach money on a crabbing hat to help him catch more.  I never dreamed Sam (and Evan) would enjoy catching these little guys this much!

First trip to the beach with the little people, very much a success!  I'd love to do it again every year.

Skin-boarding candids of the bigs